To Be a Good Democrat

If you want to be a GOOD Democrat, you must have certain basic beliefs:
  1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal funding.
  2. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
  3. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  4. You have to believe that all ideas from Republicans favor only the rich and "big business."
  5. You have to be against capital punishment (putting murderers to death) but support abortion (killing innocent unborn babies) on demand (Federally funded, of course.)
  6. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  7. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but loony activists from Seattle do.
  8. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  9. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
  10. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
  11. You have to believe that education in America is poor because of a lack of Federal funding, but even without it, teachers are fully qualified to teach your kids about sex.
  12. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  13. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist but racial quotas are not.
  14. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
  15. You have to believe that homosexual parades should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
  16. You have to believe the purpose of government is to take money from people who earned it and spend it on people who did not earn it.
  17. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  18. You have to believe in the principles of Democracy but demand only Democrat victories in elections.
  19. You have to believe that people who disagree with you are stupid and backward while believing people who agree with you are "progressive" and "enlightened."
  20. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  21. You have to believe that a "B" average economics major from Yale University with a MBA from Harvard Business School is too stupid to be President of the United States.
  22. You have to believe that a "C" average history major from Harvard University, dropout from Vanderbilt Law School and failure at Vanderbilt Divinity School is brilliant and should be President of the United States.
  23. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
  24. You have to believe that all ideas from Republicans are wrong while the same ideas touted by Democrats are "fair" and compassionate.
  25. You have to agree with France's position on the war in Iraq until after victory was achieved.
  26. You have to believe that Federal funding is the primary way to fix any problem, except, of course, funding for the military.
  27. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.